A good sex life isn’t just for beautiful young people as many adverts would have us believe.
I very much encourage couples of all shapes, ages and sizes to improve their sexuality. In a New Mexico State University study on 58 middle-aged women, researchers found that sex and physical intimacy led women to feel less stressed and be in a better mood the next day. (Archives of Sexual Behavior 10.16.06).
At heart, we are all spiritual beings capable of loving and being loved. The desire to deeply connect with another person, to be who we really are and be loved just as we are, is an important part of great sex which thrives on authenticity and the ability of one person to open up to another.
The first step is to appreciate ourselves and celebrate our uniqueness.
The second is to explore different aspects of sex in a non-judgmental way.
Men are worried about sex techniques and endurance, while women often seek more cuddles.
The emotional side of sex is very important and is often neglected in topics about the subject. Ask any sex therapist about the ingredients of fulfilling sex, and they will put massage-like caresses high on the list. Every square inch of the body is a sensual playground.
The skin contains more than one type of nerves: C-tactile fibres respond to pleasing touch and stimulate release of other hormones that produce feelings of relaxation and well-being. Gentle massage stimulates release of oxytocin, a hormone associated with feelings of pleasure. Oxytocin enhances sexual pleasure and contributes to arousal and orgasm.
The skin is the body’s largest organ. With massage-like caresses, anxiety melts away, mood improves, and pain subsides, all of which contribute to enjoyable sex.
In addition, leisurely, playful, whole-body massage is also critical to women’s sexual responsiveness. Without extended, whole-body massage, many women find it difficult or impossible to become sexually aroused, let alone express orgasm.
Foreplay
Unfortunately, many men are often sceptical of the importance of massage in great sex. The reason why men remain unconvinced of massage-based lovemaking has to do with the term typically used to discuss loving touch; foreplay.
But while rushed foreplay represents a one-way ticket to men’s sexual problems, whole-body caresses distribute sexual arousal around the entire body, which takes the pressure off the penis and helps the “little guy” behave as they’d like him to.
Replacing rushed foreplay with leisurely, playful whole-body caresses is probably the single most woman-pleasing change men can make to their lovemaking. Once you get used to it, you’ll probably find that extended sensuality also enhances your own experience of sex.
You can skip massages and enjoy many of the same benefits, simply by taking a hot bath or shower together. Compared with men, women tend to become more aroused when gently touched. Men love watching their lover undress, or in lingerie. Because of a man’s visual orientation, if she feels at ease doing so, their partner can try dancing a striptease, and then once she’s naked or close to it, the man can take her in his arms and massage her all over.
Explore new positions
“A couple can feel very close when they’re facing each other in side to side position,” says Nitya Lacroix, author of The Art of Tantric Sex (DK Publishing, 1997). It’s this kind of incredible emotional ecstasy that makes you laugh, cry, and reach the edge of orgasm all at the same time.
Tantra teaches about connecting with the love within, thus being able to share love with our loved ones.
One of the top ten positions is the Kamasutra ‘reverse spoon’, to enjoy visually and physically while having a foot massage. If this isn’t a usual position for couples, they can try it out for special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day.
Communication skills are also essential to good sex. One of the best aphrodisiacs is to feel to be heard and understood. That’s why learning to listen effectively is the most useful thing you can do, to improve the magic of sex. Gaining more confidence in sex encourages the letting go of inhibitions, to dance more freely and soar higher than ever before…
If you try these suggestions and still find yourself with a low libido, you may be suffering from an undiagnosed health problem or perhaps be dealing with some emotional or relationship issues. Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor or a couples’ counsellor, who can help resolve problems. It may take a while for “that lovin’ feelin’” to come back. Be patient with yourself, and let things progress naturally.
Activities such as Egyptian dance and belly dance can help women to feel sexier, less inhibited or become more comfortable about their body, perhaps becoming orgasmic for the first time.
Practising yoga will improve both men and women’s sex lives as it reconnects the mind with the body and frees up the energy channels or chakras. The dissipation of energy blockages will naturally free up that person and enable them to be more responsive in love-making. (www.agamayoga.nl). Yoga (Tantric especially) can help men with sexual concerns such as early ejaculation disorders, by reducing anxiety surrounding sex and learning to relax into pleasure.
Ten tips for your Valentine’s Day
- Send a free personalised Valentine card via the internet.
- Do or say something funny to help defuse tension if your partner arrives home in a bad mood.
- Burn yang-scented oil or add it to the bath and heat your bathrobes on the radiator before taking your bath/shower together.
- Propose cooking a light, aphrodisiac dinner together.
- Watch a comic/romantic movie or read your partner a Rumi poem on passion
- Wear something you know that your partner likes.
- Decorate your bedroom soft lights or candles (or flowers received/ given today).
- Explore new positions for special erotic embraces and intimate eye contact
- Give your partner an unforgettable good night kiss
- Say it with flowers. According to John Gray, author of “Imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus…”, women don’t care so much about a few expensive presents. They like more to feel pampered with small unexpected gifts. So go for her favourite flower every so often instead of two big bouquets a year.
